I had a couple of events tonight that have made me think and remind me of why I work the way I do.
There is a method to how I operate, the way I do everything and etc. There is a reason I act first and tell later or don’t tell at all. I can’t begin to list the amount of times I’ve told someone something was wrong, and they ask how long it’s been like that and my response is something along the lines of, “A couple weeks, a few months, something like that.”
I live based off of my experiences. I try to take a lesson away from everything that happens to me (and if I didn’t, I would be dumb and naive as hell, based on shit that’s happened to me). And the majority of my experiences say that bitches ain’t worth shit. That there is nobody in the world that’ll care for you more than they care for themselves. And if you’re a female, they probably care even less than you’d realize. And if you’re a person of color on top of that, well shit. You’re more than likely just screwed.
But that’s another rant in itself for another time, now I’m just getting off track.
I like the way I operate. I like that I have different rules for myself versus my rules for other people. I wish I’d learned to work like this in the past, but I can’t change that.
People don’t care. Even the ones that say they do will show you that they don’t the moment stuff gets to be too much, or too rough… basically they care whenever they choose to care. It’s the reason actions speak louder than words.
And y’know something? It sucks. It sucks knowing that people you would have have done so much for, won’t even bother helping you the moment you ask.
It’s gotten to the point now where shit doesn’t phase me as much as it used to. It shitty but whatever. It’s not as if I fully believed it in the first place, so it saves emotions from hurting.
It’s just the way the real world works. No one gives a fuck when you’re hurt or if they hurt you or your feelings. No one cares if they’ve made you mad. No one cares when they’ve done something negative that has affected you. If it were any different, the world wouldn’t be nearly as screwed up as it is. We woulnt hurt as much as we do oveer anything. We’d act with a little more fuckin’ humanity.
I believe the sooner people realize that, the better off everyone will be. We know it exists, we know it’s there, we see it daily in so many things that happen. But then we say “it’ll never happen to me.” And then it does happen and it continues and somewhere along the line you ending up hating people and losing hope.
It’s also something that seriously needs to be remembered when you’re fighting for a cause. Don’t go into it expecting it to be easy, you’ll never get results like that.
This excludes those whose actions speak volumes and you KNOW with everything in you that they care. And if you find someone or a few people that genuinely and wholeheartedly care about you, you’re a fuckin’ idiot if you let them go. Chances are you won’t find that again.
Okay, I think I’m done now.
The bitterness I hold towards this is just seriously taking its toll today.
Ugh.
I just want to hug my boyfriend, and I can’t even do that because of this goddamned distance and y’know, I don’t even feel like ranting anymore. I’ve noticed lately that just thinking about the distance (much less actually talking about it) anymore sets something off in me. And I get angry as fuck. I don’t understand it, but I’ma go with it.
Miss having those days where I wasn’t obligated to actually talk to people.
Miss the days where dropping off the face of the earth for a few days was easier than it has become now.
our souls are lost without each other,
we’ve gotta find time to recover.
and if you hold me close, this heartache will subside
i don’t want to be alone tonight.
am i gonna be tonightless again?
all of the loneliness has got to end.
i know the years have been so bittersweet,
but you don’t have to go, so please don’t leave.
eighteen visions; tonightless
I’m just hittin’ breaking points left and right today and it feels fucking good.
Screaming and snapping at bitches. Throwing things.
Feels good to finally get it all out, man. Feels good to be able to scream and shout and throw shit and fucking defend myself and know I’m in the fucking right because I’ve taken more than enough shit from everyone I talk to on a daily basis.
And if people keep coming at me the way they have been today, I don’t see myself stopping anytime soon.
